Blog · Destructive thoughts · Just Some Thoughts

When you hate yourself

Do you have days when you just hate yourself?

It’s that day when nothing goes right, and when something goes wrong it’s clearly your own fault. There’s no running from it. You’re the biggest idiot in the world, and you just loathe the pathetic loser that you are.

Today’s one of those days for me.

CITY_JAYM_norwaytunnel

I didn’t have classes today.

I don’t have any lessons on Wednesdays. I slept early last night because I felt slightly ill and hit the hay early thinking that I could sleep it off. I did. I woke up feeling well-rested and happy. Happy that it was a Wednesday.

Then things went downhill.

As the morning passed, I found that I couldn’t study. Time wasted away. Time came for lunch. I had an appointment at 2. Time to leave home. What did I do? Nothing.

Well done.

NATURE_JAYM_roadrocks

And guess what. I was almost late for my appointment.

There I was dressed formally in a white blouse and black pants, scuttling about in my black heels battling with time and with the unbearable heat when I realised with a sinking dreadful feeling that I got the wrong place.

Then bam, I was late.

BRIDGE_UNSPLASH_wooden bridge to nowhere

I was hot.

Sweat was making my white shirt stick to my back. The humidity made my hair clump together.

I was lost.

I had no idea where the actual place was. I had no idea where to go.

I felt so frustrated.

I was in the middle of the city. Stranded. There was no way I could reach my appointment in time and in a presentable manner. There was no way I could explain why I was so late. There was no way. There was no way.

There was no other way. I called them up, and told them I was unwell and would be unable to make it that day. I apologised for the late notice. I faked a few coughs.

I lied.

I was so disgusted with myself. I still am.

TEXTURE_PICJUMBO_lapis-blue-wooden-texture

With my heels clicking against the floor wherever I went, I left the city.

I ran away.

With no place to run to.

I just wanted to curl up into a ball and process what had just happened. Why did I do that? Why couldn’t do things right? Why did I choose to lie? Why did I make such a stupid mistake? Why am I so afraid to face reality? Why do I run? Why am I such a loser?

I wanted to go back home. But I couldn’t. I was expected to be home by dinner, not 3 hours before and certainly not 1 hour after I’ve just left home.

NATURE_UNSPLASH74yteycojdc-stefanus-martanto-setyo-husodo

With no destination in mind, I walked back to the train station.

Letting my feet take me to wherever.

Wherever.

Anywhere but here.

Anywhere.GIRL_EDITED_BW

Sincerely,

🌻

I wrote this yesterday as everything happened and am posting this today because, why not? It’s my blog afterall.

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One thought on “When you hate yourself

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